I'm Jess Sayin,If You Were Really Paid....

So I'm going to use this time Jess to rant. I'm about to read a few of  you women that claim to be paid based on your ability to "turn up", you heauxs REALLY need to stop. So I was minding my own twitter business [Follow me  @ImJess_sayinso] anyway--so I'm doing my daily scrolling and I came across a "retweet" of a well-known "video vixen/ model/rapper/dancer..blah blah...[used every word but stripper and prostitute]". Who tweets: "If u really like me respect that I love being spoiled gimme money and buy me gifts or cut urself off before I do if u can't #AFFORDME "...Ooooh KAY...
  Hmm...I have so many things to say about this one tweet...

#1. Since when do we associate "respect" with being "spoiled"? I'm pretty sure if he respected you wouldn't have to give him a lesson on twitter...
#2. Listen Honey Boo Boo Stripper....you shouldn't have to put out a PSA on how to "afford you", if you were really out here on your job there wouldn't be any reason for a shameless plug. Its about how you conduct yourself and what your "afforded" is based on your actions as a  woman. Women that are treated well also act like it.
#3  I ran this past an old timer...her exact response..."If baby girl was really paid, she wouldn't be talking about it! Back in my day those kinda women were well kept and quiet!"--- So a little advice, stop discussing what you THINK you deserve and you Jess might get it----I'm Jess Sayin

So because I was more than annoyed by this tweet, I spent some time doing some twitter research just to see how disillusioned some of these chicks are and I've done the favor of leaving their names out---even though most of their pages are open... My twitter reasearch shows how bi-polar and irrational some of you chicks really are...

MORNING TWEET: "Thank You Jesus for waking me up #Blessed #Highlyfavored"
---Everyone does it...I'm not judging your path to Jesus because I'm not perfect  but I'm Jess pointing out some major discrepancies here...

AFTERNOON TWEET: "What is the big deal with prostitution? Who is it hurting?"
---Um excuse me Spindarella, prostitution isn't hurting anybody but you are STILL broke, stop tweeting about your poor career decisions to give up the snatch for money--I'm Jess Sayin...

EVENING TWEET: "B******shouldn't struggle. If you have a p**** you should never be broke. Unless you're ugly, then I don't know what to tell you..."

--OK, this is coming from a girl that I'm pretty sure idolizes Kat Stacks' bangs, lace front wigs, and false eyelashes...There are plenty of reasons why women shouldn't struggle, but selling your vagina to make it isn't the answer either. Furthermore, its a lot of you UGLY mop buckets that are out here prostituting and stripping, so please don't associate the bone structure of your face with being poor because you my dear are fugly! I'm Jess keeping it real!


I'm sure some one may be thinking, "Why Jess hating"? Lets make one thing clear...I'm not hating. I'm Jess exposing my feelings on a topic that we all like "roll our eyes at". Getting paid to show or use your body parts is WHACK and bragging about it on twitter is Jess absurd! So I also went to some friends to get their opinion on the whole subject matter, am I being a hater? ..Of course I'm not. Most of them agreed with me. Selling your goodies for sex is whack; one friends said: "I don't feel comfortable as a highly educated woman to say I should be reduced to what's between my legs".--[SAY THAT!]--You don't have to use your sexuality to be successful.

However, my friends did have a different opinion about the stripper's hustle, a few felt like if she was using those coins as a means to support education or her family they could understand. [I'm on the defense about this one]...its essentially the Robin Hood Act, I get it. But still... shaking them yams for cash is demoralizing! What none of them agreed with is going on social networks and broadcasting how much of a "winner" she claimed to be.

The biggest issue  which we always seem to forget is that there is someone watching you. What message are you sending to young girls by promoting your stripper and sex parties? Quick money isn't always good money and at the end of the day, you have to think about what type of influence we want to leave in this world....--Jess Sayin' it is important to think about your impression on others whether their opinion affects you or not.

Now that I Jess got that off my chest and busted you all out...The bottom line is..It isn't cute. Stop the stunting on twitter, your Jess as broke as the next and living cash to cash. The only difference is you can't claim your coins to the IRS at the end of the year... Furthermore, if any of my readers are from that industry, please feel free to check me...remember I'm Jess Sayin but if you were REALLY paid you wouldn't have to instruct someone on how  to pay you lady luscious. So, at the end of the day, your right, it is your vagina and your vag facts and only you have to live with it, so next time do my timeline a favor and keep it to yourself.Mmmkay? Oh but please remember, I'm only Jess Sayin...!

Twas' The Season: Jess To Cuff

Jess like the childhood story there is a Grinch who stole Christmas...

 While there is no "grinch" for cuffing season--there is an end date on cuffing season, y'all did know?? Yes Chile!!! You guys better hold on tight and start looking for those signs!Halloween to Easter twas the season to cuff! But don't get comfortable Jess yet there are still a few more days in March and there are plenty of reasons/ excuses why you ladies & gents may not make it to church together on Resurrection Sunday! You all have had 5- 6 months to be in love awwww...so let me ask, what do you have planned for the other 6 months out of the year? [I ain't shit I know] haha

Well lets start here...Did you even know were a victim of a cuffing season relationship? Dayummm Ginaaaa awww...Don't be sad...there is always next year! LOL So let me guess you didn't know about the Cuff Calendar? I'm not spilling secrets [I'm Jess Sayin] Pre-season begins in September boo boo you were drafted [courted]..attended practices[dates] tried out[passed the bro test], & made the squad [boo-d up] ! Man! Am I the first one to give you this info? Well don't panic.. You may be able to save yourself from the lay offs. Jess brace yourself! You don't have that much time & Jess so I'm clear...I'm no relationship guru...I'm Jess super observant and well its not that hard with all you social media over-sharers. ::Sidebar:: Whats up with that... I'm so tired of y'all commenting under pictures saying "aww black love" [IS IT SUPPOSE TO BE GREEN OR PURPLE LOVE??]--ugh I digress.. But seriously STOP... its Jess annoying!-- now back to our regularly scheduled blog..

Well first, do you even realize why your "bae" has been acting funny. Yeah ladies its not his "man-period" & sirs she isn't on her period for that many weeks! Your Jess getting ready to be fired hunny!
Has he been "chillin with the bros" or she has been having ladies night for the past 4 weekends....then featuring you with attitude when you want to chill...?? They trying to fire you hunny! It is about to be warm outside! There won't be a reason to cuddle in the summer! HA ...ladies won't be dressed with much of anything and you gents will be getting those cars cleaned to be on the prowl!

Do you find yourself calling more, texting more...and did he/she not send that "good morning bae" text message... YOU ARE ABOUT TO GET FIRED HUNTY!!! So Jess like you saved the heauxs in the first place...How do you keep yourself from being fired?! Bet y'all want to know how to make it past cuffin layoffs?? Hell... I don't know--[I'm Jess Sayin] hehehehe

BUT here is what I think you could try to do... Don't be Thirsty... I read another blog a while ago and the key to any relationship is to be chill, give them their space..yet respect and support the relationship..&  have the cuffin' season conversation... Jess ask... "Aye bae, you layin me off? I know its about to get hot outside or whateverr and uhhh we only been dating for a few months so whats up?!" And if "Bae" doesn't respond..::PAUSE::. [I'm Jess foolin' no grown person should approach this situation like that--ha] Jess try not to get fired & don't be surprised if it happens!

Basically, I'm Jess sayin...don't play yourself... we all know when we reaching and there is nothing there... So save yourself.. Like my fabulous grandmother says and aunt use to say... There is no penis in the world that should make you THAT crazy. "You can get a wet ass by yaself" [Shout out to Aunty D. for that one--ha] 

The same goes for you men---There are plenty of loosey gooseys out here that are giving it up with no strings attached [while I'm not recommending] --I'm Jess Sayin

Jess Not Into You

...So whats the deal with this whole concept of a "friend-zone"?

A few weeks ago the home girls and I were discussing how you put someone in the "friend zone". It came up in conversation right around Valentine's Day when one of my friends seemed to have two valentines but was only interested in one.. HA.. oh for those of you that live under a rock, The Friend Zone is better known as the: "Can we just be friends" or "Your such a nice person, you'll find the right girl one day...but it isn't me"...
Everyone has that one friend that is super cool to talk to, on occasion will pick up the tab, compliment you, and often times Jess letting you know you are attractive..you have that feeling in your gut that they like you but, you Jess want to be friends...They are in your Friend Zone...
It seems to be a modern day mystery.
Well, it really isn't and can be a very painless process... if a guy/girl is feeling you and you're Jess not that into them you should probably spare them the humiliation and make it clear. But if you prefer to be a punk about it here are a few  things you Jess shouldn't do:

Don't Accept gifts...when I asked a few folks their thoughts I got mixed responses.. most people said they wouldn't accept gifts only because people have expectations when it comes to gift giving & ladies we all know that means giving up them cakes [of course a lot of you will plead the fifth on that though right?] --Hey, I'm Jess Sayin...Oh and of course a few guys said "HELL YEAH I'm taking all gifts" [I'm not mad at you..but don't be surprised when crazy Shinka-shay is busting out those windows, because of your mixed messages]

Don't lead Sha-keykey or Lil Mook Mook on: if a guy or girl makes their proclamation and you really don't like them what do you do? JESS tell them! Its really that simple people.. But what do we do? We wanna be all flattered by the idea of liking somebody huh? When people start that tell-all confession..it is time to keep it real...I'm Jess Sayin' don't be foolish it is 2013 and people are crazy! No one wants to admit it, but it is flattering to have someone like you..chase you for a little while...but you'll be the first one to tweet "Shorty thirsty"..when more than likely you allowed the thirst..

Don't give up them goodies: Yeah I know we all adults right? And sex is Jess sex right? WRONG...women and men both get attached...I find it funny when I asked men and women would they still have sex with someone they Jess saw as friends all the women said no[RIGHTTT]..and all you freak body men said...YES.."Chances are, I'd smash if I was half way diggin her..." or I got the classic I got a good friends with benefits out the deal...[unstable creatures]--I'm not male bashing...I'm Jess Sayin...

How does one Jess say--I don't like you like but can we Jess be friends???

Jess keep it platonic, whether that is saying: "I THINK WE ARE BETTER AS FRIENDS"
or take the smooth route and begin to talk about someone you are attracted to, liking, or even dating [Please don't make up an invisible person...that is not cute] or if all else fails try to hook them up with one of your single buddies...LOL [Why ya'll acting like you've never tried any of these techniques]---I'm Jess Sayin....

Now Jess one last thing.. .when sex is involved often times in a woman's mind, that cancels out the "friend zone"...in a man's mind once placed in the zone it doesn't matter sex is ALWAYS an option trust that....its like the classic line from my favorite movie, The Wood: "I'm not gonna warm up the slot machine Jess to let another man hit the jackpot!"

So instead of being all weird..and immature if you Jess want the cakes...Jess tell him/her you never know it is a new generation and you all expect and require little to no work to get down to those activities ---lazy daters..But that is a topic for another time...
Until next time...I'm Jess Sayin....

Ya'll Jess Be Lyin'

I'm Jess gonna get right to it...
.

 Women lie..Men lie..on their body parts and their ability to use them properly! It is quite a terrible trend to tell such deceitful and unfilling lies and I'm here to put all you ladies and gents on blast because I am sick of it... IF YOU CAN'T use the tool, there is an App and Worldstar Hiphop for that! I'm Serious! LOL...

So Jess A Little Disclaimer and so everyone knows, the scenarios I give are true...I don't give out names and all that jazz but this legit has happened to someone (I may not know the person but I may have heard the story) You all know the routine..."don't tell nooobodyy"...oh ok girl I won't... [Snakes]

So it started by having a simple conversation with a friend about how chicks getting all these body accessories: tongue rings, clitoris rings and then another friend telling me about this guy who kept bragging saying he was Jess SO good at everything..Playa thought he was a super star...Well he was far from that! So what did Jess do? I hit the streets and started asking folks along with the stories I already knew and well...Lets Jess say... I hope you all are ready...

Have you ever dated or been out with someone and they talk big big game about how good they are in the bedroom..Hmm..Well curiosity can kill any cat! Of course one girl experienced the 50 pump and done dude..poor guy his head was also apparently very terrible too! But here are a few comments on some men and their ability to make any magic or in their case no magic happen:

"I've dated guys that didn't realize their penis was small...only slept with one. I couldn't get out of it! Lets just say it was a lot of weak ass humping and my fingers have done a better job but he was such a good guy that I hung in there for about 5 months then picked a fight. He suggested we take some time apart. I agreed. That was in 09!! HA!
 Whats up with ya'll thinking your machine is bigger than it  actually is? I mean why lie..Another comment, I Jess almost about fell out on:

"You want this BIG DICK, upon meeting the "big dick", I noticed more of a vagina...he made all the "big dick" sayings and grunts during sex too NAH PLAYA..then kept referencing  to it as BIG DICK like I didn't see it..did I miss something? Dude was it an optical illusion?" 

You All JESS Be Lying!!! Lie about the shape..make noise to enhance the performance, that is a first LOL..but clearly did not help that guy out...

"I was going [a phrase used to indicate level of thirst] he told me he was gonna be a lawyer..lets just say I explored down under and ummm excuse me brotha, where is the rest? Not only was his penis small I guess he thought I could be enticed with a little dry humping and this vibration thing he did on me...I could only imagine if he would actually gotten me to go...

Wait...vibrating on a human and you all aren't on the dance floor circa 2005 when we were in high school? Yeah homeboy did not deserve the cakes...Glad you kept those goodies to yourself!

Now I'm not done..I'm just getting started on you lying fools.. LADIES, we lie JESS as much...

Men, ever dated a chick. Jess bad! Jess nasty..had all the little accessories--nipples pierced, tongue rings..and that hidden gem the clitoris ring and then to find out baby girl was as boring as a dry eyes commercial?

 "She told me she was all types of freaky and she did things in another country man when it came down to it...she was a 3 outta 10..the sex was terrible she bragged about doggy style and throwing it back, I should of known she was lying she didn't even have an ass...The head was top notch tho...required no clean up".
Chicks with no ass can throw it back...that bish just lied..and what country was she getting freaky in never never land?!  
Now ladies, Jess because you have that tongue ring...does not mean you are Angel from World Star Hip Hop and Jess because you have accessories does not mean you get magical powers with a piercing!
So I wonder what "optical illusion" women and men give off when they get their body parts pierced? My opinion is people get it to show people. I don't care what self empowerment lie they tell twitter, it is used to control the thought behind someone's sexual abilities! Now when I got to asking some men these same questions...some of you guys got real embarrassed..but those that were not shy about sharing...HA!

"I've never had a chick lie on her va jay jay..but I had some boring ass sex to the point where I had to fake it"---damn men have to fake it? Poor lil tinka tink she probably thought she was working you out!

"Well she thought she was wayyy more experienced than she was...so I go into it thinkin' I'd just be sitting back and she'd be showing me a thing or two..BAD IDEA...so I called my boy and told him to call me in 5 minutes and say it was an emergency, I just bounced never heard from her again..." ---So ladies if he hits it and quits, it could be because it was wack, not because you were heaux- if that helps you feel any better. LOL!

I had this discussion with a few home girls and apparently this guy talked big game about how he could please women and that his head game was A1...Well to say the least...She was dried up when he was done! ha! MEN, Why talk about something? Jess be about it! Of course it may sound good...but is it really good??

Another good friend I'll call her Olivia, (since some of you think its cool to play a mistress smh) she said her experience is when a dude is constantly talking about sex they are wack at it... I think that is true, the ones that say the least..perform the best!

Now since I had started asking for feedback, I got one response that I just couldn't leave out...This grown man..was afraid of the Vagina...HUH?!
 "I eventually "beat his ass to the punch" like after a first couple times of having sex you know you are THEE Black Sheba when a dude tells YOU to stop and he is the one hitting it from the back..Whatttt??"- That is pretty bad ass on her part if ya ask me.

And the Story of the night...goes to one who wishes to be included  as a "notoriously owt young bruh" Now this story takes the damn cake... it is JESS insane...
"Back when I was in the 12th grade, I had a little 26 year old she was married I was 17, she use to say freaky shit to me and I'm thinking damn she grown so I told her aye whenever you done with all this freak talk bring yo old ass over here and get worked, finally once the crib wasn't occupied i finally got them panty draws and while it wasn't the worst I'd have better from a sophomore girl that was wayyy more advanced than her.. So I asked "notoriously owt young bruh", did they keep in contact and of course he told me: "damn right she was giving me money and she thought  she had did the damn thing, so I was cordial...never bite the hand that feeds me..

So I guess Yo Gotti had it right after all, Women Lie and Men Lie..but who lies more..hmmm my polling suggests that you men pretty much will lie more than women when it comes to sexual performance and body parts. I also had more women openly tell me stories about guys...where as some of you men were acting all uptight...JESS relax..I'm not putting folks on blast. After all, I'm Jess Sayin'....