But...Its Jess A Title..Right?

 What would you do..?

Lets Jess say you met a FIONE ass man/woman... everything you ever thought you wanted, but there is Jess one big problem, the person is married! Wait wait let me finish, I mean legally married but lives as a single person OR has moved out and is filing the necessary paperwork. Kanye  West and Kim K. for example, [The famous chick all because she made a boring ass sex-tape with "rapper" Ray J.] & then dated Reggie Bush, then married Chris Humphries and now prego patty by Kanye...Yeah ya'll forgot she was LEGALLY married  and I guess you all forgot that that may be one of the reasons Yeezy hasn't put a ring on it...HE CAN'T! HA...Anyway,

yes, pregnant by Kanye AND legally married to Chris Humphries, now I'm not throwing shade because I personally don't care what this chick does, [I don't respect her millions] but as I was speaking to someone I met to be named "Keisha" who was having mixed feelings about potentially dating  a man that is legally married. Now I asked a few of you on twitter [@ImJess_sayinso] and it is clear that some of you 1. Have never had to deal with this situation; therefore you speaking off the "what you wouldn't do". 2. Those that did say Yes to dating a married person, were a bit more optimistic to saying yes if they could be shown paperwork. Or 3.Simply, Jess wait until the divorce is final.

--Maybe if Yeezy would of waited to hit them buns the two might not have something cooking in that used easy baked oven --I'm Jess Sayin!

 So back to Keisha, when she met this guy he did admit he was married but that he wasn't happy. As she should she told him she wasn't interested, not even to be his friend because  we all know what that can lead to if they are attracted to one another. Keisha didn't want to be a home-wrecker and she admits she doesn't have any respect for those type of girls. So, a year later they bumped into each other and he was filing for divorce, reluctantly she gave him her number and they began to communicate--not frequently but enough for her and after much back and forth she agreed to go out with him. Keisha often felt some type of way about their hangouts, so again..she kind of cut him off. Well..long story short, he showed her the processing divorce papers. With that also came the "wait for me so we can be together" talk, she is very hesitant to wait Jess because she doesn't want to wait on a man that may decide to reverse the divorce or finalize his divorce and decide he doesn't want to be with her either. ---Rough situation but does this make her a home-wrecking heaux? No,I don't think so, they aren't involved sexually,  he doesn't live with his wife, he simply courts her and makes her feel special,  and keeps her in the loop on his whole process of separation. What makes this different from the KIM-YE situation?--I'm Jess Sayin! The definition of a home-wrecker is someone that is intentionally trying to destroy a home, ol' boy is leaving willingly.

So, because most of you said you wouldn't date someone that was legally married under any circumstance, I went old school on y'all. Clearly this issue is slightly rare for someone under 30. [Sorry--I'm Jess Keeping it Real]... So I went back to a couple that dated while he was filing for divorce. Well, she stuck it out the whole time --she dealt with the harassing ex- wife to his children hating her. To then finalize the divorce, date for a little while longer then break up because he didn't have time for a relationship. Was 'old school' a rebound? Was she there to keep his dose of Viagra regular [I'm Jess Sayin] and was their breakup inevitable? Old School started as the mistress, it is cloudy whether he was unhappy prior or whether she wrecked shop; however the circumstance--They didn't last, I think the break up Jess happened because they needed to break up, most believe its because she was his rebound once he was legally 'unchained' he could do what he wanted--so why be with someone you don't have to be with?--[When dating a married man goes wrong]

So what if the person is legally married yet separated? Both have a significant other; but neither have filed for divorce. One person shared how they dated for seven years and every year there was an excuse for why the divorce papers weren't filed. To the point of where that ended up the relationship. Their goals were different, one person wanted to be married and well since Polygamy is kind of illegal it wasn't going to happen.--So don't Jess trust everyone, Jess wait for the proof.

No one is perfect, and oddly enough they say you can't help who you fall in love with. I'm sure most of you can agree with me on that. Some meet online, some meet through a friend. Some meet Christians and they are catholic....& clearly some meet married and they are single. Let me get this straight though..there is a difference between dating a married person who has no intentions of divorce, that my friends is a home-wreck [NOT Jess Sayin approved]
However, agree with me or not, I do believe that there is an exception to that rule. Dating someone that is in the process of divorce but is legally married is OK [IF that is what you want to do]. I'm sure that it isn't easy especially if their spouse is crazy or doesn't want to divorce. Sometimes there are kids involved, alimony [which then breaks into their pockets MONTHLY]--So Jess be careful dating someone that is married. As long as it is done in good clear conscious, live your life honey boo boo. It definitely isn't for everybody but I'm sure it comes with its fair share of drama and judgement but, that will be your problem to solve!---Jess make wise decisions, don't block your blessings because he/she is FIONE and don't forget about that tornado of a chick Karma--Because She don't play! [OK] --I'm Jess Sayin!

Hell Date...

So I was thinking the other day-- about the show 'Hell Date', it use to come on BET and funny enough, while that was a prank reality dating show, there are people that go on real life dates from hell. It got me to thinking, I wonder how many people have been on hell dates. I have and to your surprise, as Jess Sayin, I will share my Hell Date! Was I alone in this matter? HECK NO

One friend back in college shared her hell date  it happened over a movie/ first time spending the night at his house. [First sign] He admitted to having no coins, there is nothing wrong with funds being low--but if you don't know the person well enough you shouldn't share your bank account problems.[Second sign] she agreed to spend the night and all that but when she got to his house she was welcomed by a mattress no sheets. She admitted it was strange but she didn't want to judge his situation. [Third sign] WELL, she asked for cover and was blanketed with his daughter's coat!?? [OH LORD JESUS ITS A FIRE!!!!]--MAN DOWN CLETIS! No sheets no cover, just a toddlers jacket. Needless to say, their communication from that point on was..uh slim. She learned: 1. You should go out on actual dates in public places It doesn't have to be expensive, she added Jess know him well enough before you try to spend the night at a guy's house Jess because they ask you to.
Another friend had a very similar incident where she went over a guy's house for movie night, and unfortunately  she was introduced to the "real him",he had dirty clothes everywhere; his couch smelled like cat pee and there were roaches crawling around! [Jess don't do bugs UGH]--so she made up an excuse to go home and she never heard from him again. Dang he didn't even clean up for company?! That is Jess rude, so if he didn't even have the decency to PRETEND to be clean; you already know he couldn't possibly have a clean body! She also learned an important cardinal rule "cleanliness is next to Godliness" [Amen] you never know how dirty a person is, don't do a movie night at their home as a first date. Mess around and end up on Hell Date.

Now we've all had the chronic "He is texting while we out", "Talking too much about themselves" date. But never have I ever heard of someone paying for a date they didn't know they were paying for! [HUH?]
This guy stole his date's credit card to pay for  their dinner date. She didn't find out until the next morning, checking her statement her account balance was negative. [See the way her acocunt was set up..LOL ] I digress... anyway, she confronted him and he denied it. However the situation went, she told me he ended up saying he would give her the money back. Well, babygirl went to get that young pocketbook and before she came back downstairs hunny chile, he dipped off. Now if that is not trif-life I don't know what is! Stealing your date's card? Wining and dining on her own coins?--Bruh ya wrong, she learned to never trust a guy well enough to leave your purse or anything else important for that matter! Clearly he  was scam artist, I wonder what he is up to now? Probably in someone's federal prison...I'm Jess Sayin'

Many other dating experiences consist of folks being too boring, quiet or stand-offish then asking to hang out again..and you are like what? LOL Or there is a such thing as giving me too much of yourself....
Now, I don't talk about my personal dating history or disclose others on my blog, but my hell date is the exception, time to expose the dirty bum. So a few years ago I went out with this older guy. [First sign]  we met in the club. We actually didn't talk the first time we exchanged numbers it wasn't until we ran into each other at another club [Second sign] that we actually talked and made plans to go out. The day of the date, all he talked about was how he was gonna "show me how a lady is suppose to be treated" blah blah blah I was slightly annoyed with his arrogance but I was like Ok whatever. So the date was suppose to be simple, dinner and a movie. Met him at his house, hop in his car and  I'm thinking man he looks old so I ask--can't remember the age difference I Jess remember saying in my mind "YUP this is going to be the first and last date"...Anyway we go to the show and while we wait, he is telling me how beautiful i am etc. all the glits and glam of compliments I am mildly uncomfortable [Third sign] but I'm like OK whatever its Jess compliments. We leave the movies and head to this lounge. While in the lounge again the compliments come, this time along with the insults about how I'm so uptight, I'm too young to be so uptight blah blah blah. It was like he was challenging me, but in a way that I didn't like, so I snapped and was like I'm ready to go. Before we leave he leans in and says "I wanna taste it" I WAS MORTIFIED not only are you 1,000 years old you really think this date is going ok??? NO SIR NO MA'AM. So we get in his car and he is looking all glazed like he is drunk--we only had one drink. He is again telling me I'm beautiful all while like fidgeting in his seat and I'm like what is your problem? WELL Grandpop pulls out his PENIS and begins playing with himself. I  could not believe it, I was not only scared out of my mind I was pissed! After yelling "Oh my God, put your Penis up" countless times he finally does. My phone was dead. I was downtown Chicago. In his car. I did make it home safely that night. Thank God. However, I learned a few very valuable lessons. 1. If you have a bad feeling about a date, cancel that shit. I had signs before even leaving my home that he was a creep ass. 2. Always tell someone where you are going, its not about someone being in your business its about being safe out here. 3. I should of got my ass out of his car and just called someone to pick me up from the lounge. 4. Drive yourself to the damn date, while it is chivalrous--i could of been raped or anything worse! [Also, while some of you haters probably thinking I led him on or whatever, I don't wear revealing clothes on dates..Jess for the simple fact I want to see what the guy would be about. So no, the twins were up and I wasn't batting no fake eyelashes for attention either honey boo boo--BOOM HELLO! ]

So I'm Jess Sayin, don't be thirsty to date. It is never that serious. Curiosity can kill the cat. It is a very dangerous world out here. Use common sense. Although I am sure most of you laughed at this story as I do now, the shit sure wasn't funny then! Don't ignore them instincts or you'll end up on hell date without the devil dressed midget jumping out on the scene, it will become your reality!--I'm Jess Sayin'

Jess A Little More Than Love & Affection....

So I am sure you all have heard the Future & Rihanna song "Love & Affection" and while many of you may think this is all you need to survive. I'm here to tell you, it takes a little bit more than "loveeee" for the long term relationships and marriage. So most of my research begins as a conversation that I usually Jess have with friends and family.
This particular subject came about from several conversations. It was all over the place, Love! Support! Sex! Money! Relationships! Time! My final research ended up wondering, what are the top three things that ruin relationships; I asked random people via twitter [@im_jesssayinso], on the phone, and just asking co-workers.
I discovered that the top three deal breakers in maintaining a successful relationships are support, trust, and coins [For those of you confused by Jess lingo--I mean money]. Yes people! Support, majority said that the lack of support in their relationship would have them checking out. In second came trust--giving the middle finger to the dishonest, and lastly, Money--those that are tired of cashing out on Tyrone or Tyreka!

 So what about support is a deal breaker in a
relationship? It is simple, Jess support the goals and dreams of your partner! If your boo wants to be an Olympic juggler sign him/her up for that competition! One of my fav. home girls said "You need someone to be your cheerleader and he definitely wasn't"! There is nothing worse than the phrase "I expect these things from you"..NO I expect YOU to support me and from THAT achievement you can express your expectation! [SNAPS and does an urban eye roll] Jess so it is clear, I don't always seek advice from women I ask men too and one of the married men I interviewed said that  trust and money can come and go; however, as long as you support each other you will find everything else that you need. So while I love the little ratchet love songs, I definitely agree...it takes a little more than that to keep the REALationship...On that note, one of my friends said something very interesting "Support is something you don't notice until you don't have it"--very true. Having support from your boo thang makes you feel valued and appreciated! Your excited to give that person updates on new developments with your goals and aspirations! No one wants to feel like their news isn't important.




Now, about this trust thing, I'm pretty sure you all expect me to go OFF about this huh? Because I am a woman?  I'm probably angry? NOPE. Everyone no matter who or how you've been done in life has a trust issue. It really Jess comes down to how one handles trusting their partner. The main response I got was Men Lie and Women Lie;[DUH YO Gotti already said that LOL] however, the most important aspect of trust is how does one recover--many answered "Hell I haven't  recovered I'm still single" while some believe in the "innocent until proven guilty"verdict but once they are "crossed" it is game over for that individual. Some people even admit to holding back until they think the person may be worth it. Which in one person's opinion, she realized that holding back can be detrimental and that being open is good. Beginning any situation whether romantic or a friendship without skepticism is best. 

My last deal breaker in this post is about the coins. Now, lets be clear, money does not create happiness in fact "Mo money mo problems" and until I know what it is like to be rich in life--I'll go ahead and agree that money can't fix everything. HOWEVER, NO ONE wants a broke BAE.. But it isn't so much that the person doesn't have money, it could be about how they act with or without money. I also went to a couple different websites and from family- friend evaluation money and financial status is one of the top ten reasons couples divorce. I was wildly shocked at the response, one  relationship really ended over money. One young lady felt like she was being taken advantage of, dating while young and loaning money to her honey boo thang became an issue. He was still in school and she thought, he obviously needs it--well he took advantage of her kindness and turned it into the classic judge Judy case "Well your honor, I thought it was a gift"--shame shame shame on any person that tries to manipulate anyone that held out a lending hand during your time of need. SMH Let us not forget KARMA, we all know she is real.--I'm Jess Sayin.

So, while you Jam to "Love & Affection" and "Your All I Need To Get By" by the Soul Queen Aretha Franklin [Yea.. I Jess went old skool on y'all] Remember... without support, trust, and a clear understanding of coins--- y'all might be singing Bye Bye Baby By Nas... -I'm Jess Sayin...

Twas' The Season: Jess To Cuff Part II

 OK so I was asked to do a cuff season part II...

Well I went to all my married/long term relationship friends & family; surprisingly a lot of you all said the same thing [Well that's CUTE or whatever] LOL... So in my last post I went with the concept of trying not to get "fired"...but I didn't really give you guys any insight on how to stay together. Well here you have it... from those that have been together for 7 months to 10 years.. A difference of opinion yet--when it all comes down to it, you all pretty much said the same things. Three key ingredients: Communication, Space, and Sex.

I'm also a sucker for the sappy TRUE stories...I'm Jess Sayin love is rare but it does exist.Y'all want to stay together huh & how to stay keep it going after the honeymoon stage is over? Ok...

"I knew the honeymoon was over and she was comfortable when she farted...Girls really fart"--[That's real] HA ! A couple that has been married for almost 4 years and college sweethearts, gave me their "secret". He says the two are committed to a date night once a week. Two out of the four weeks, they have to go somewhere. One time out the four weeks his wife has to choose a place and the other he has the responsibility of picking the place. --it sounds like it's about placing equal responsibility to keep the relationship spicy.

Another interesting perspective from a guy's point of view which I agree with was applying cuffing rules to the summer... " I think where people go wrong post cuffing season is applying cuffing season rules to the summer" [BINGO] ... Did y'all just have the same AH HA moment I did when he told me that. Let me break it down for you guys. [Which is what he did] In the winter, it is more of the expectation that you will see, talk, and spend significantly more time with your boo-thang because it is cold! [Ain't nobody got time for that] folks are less likely to go out during the winter months Jess because it takes up too much energy! However, when it is hot outside [YEAHH I GOT TIME FOR THAT]. He suggested doing things that you all had discussed doing when the weather breaks; trying the new outdoor restaurant or concerts! His most important tip was giving your spouse some damn space! Find you a life and take advantage of your free time..."when you all come together, make it special".

Now of course I had to get some tips from some happily "forever cuffed" women because it is up to us to make men happy AND lets be real you have to attempt to keep him faithful and loyal to you honey boo boo. All women I asked agreed ..space is needed, but when he comes home from guys night or whatever you've got to turn it up in the bedroom. It is important to keep the love life spicy--don't be a "time out, I'm tired" chick ALL the time. Be creative. As one woman said: "freak in the seats...women in the streets" [Yeah Yeah Cliche' but it is true]... Now I know you ladies may think I am crazy but cook sometimes.. [YEAH..COOK] No easy mac or frozen chicken nuggets... no struggle paper plates and yeah it is about to be summer time but get creative and do better than you did in the winter time...

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 MATTER OF FACT--Here is a tip, sign up for groupon right now if you are in Chicago, they offering cooking classes for two... A nice date idea [YOUR WELCOME]... Furthermore, Shakida, Man-Man doesn't have to pay for EVERY SINGLE DATE.. be spontaneous, let him think he is going to pay then YOU pay and actually DO IT. NO man wants a woman that doesn't take any initiative on anything.  --Jess Sayin' find a balance in acting too independent and dependent on your boo thang.. That is another way to get fired cuffing season or NOT... Let me Jess say this, it isn't always about being able to cook, clean, and give up the cakes whenever you are asked...Man or woman, we all need to have that ego stroked from time to time, have you motivated him lately? Has he motivated you lately? What about your boo thang makes them qualified to stick around for more than a few month? If you have an intelligent answer, you are probably safe from termination THIS quarter...but don't be fooled you are always up for reevaluation. The bottom line, in order to keep your place in that person's life--you both have to play your part: chill when necessary and love in this club when  necessary--there will be plenty of time to cuddle...it is too hot for all that...--I'm Jess Sayin

Jess Clarifying...

So while preparing this, I got a tweet from someone with the alias "wise one", he says ... Cuffing season isn't officially over until memorial day; according to him you have Easter to Memorial day to deal with the cuffing baggage in addition to "going HAM" in the gym Oh..Thanks for that. Welp, now that we've  cleared  that up...
Carry on and keep your significant other happy with a few basic principles or clean up that baggage per the "wise one"....